New Years 2019: Through My Eyes

A New Year, A New Way, And A New Chance To Start Today

Dec 31, 2019

Dearest Tribe,

Greetings from the last hours of 2019!

It’s been quite the year for many of us, full of intense challenges, and delightful surprises, and here we are, about to say goodbye to the old as we welcome the new, with the year 2020.

A new decade begins NOW!

Over the past few weeks I have been deep into reflecting about the last year. I made a list of things I accomplished, and I made another list of things I want to accomplish this coming year.

I was pleased to find that many new opportunities arose in 2020, and that a great many of them are already in the books and plans for this year as 2nd Annual happenings for me.

I also found in my reflections that many traditions and annual happenings met their ends this year, and that brought about the bittersweet side of celebrating new connections.

2019 was a very transitional year, but also one full of noteworthy accomplishments.

As a way to express my gratitude for the abundance I have received, I want to offer my thanks.

To all of the people and circumstances that took part in the story of this year:

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, and again, THANK YOU.

From the lens of my life, 2019 brought a great array of changes, some were of a joyous tone, and others more somber, but ALL important to the telling of the story.

Please, allow me to share some highlights:

11 new music videos supporting the Clark & Kobel Tarot - 5 remaining to be done of 22.

2 relationship status changes from romantic to non-romantic, sadly both are

8 new music and wellness clients that I see weekly, all going on a year of study with me

1 deepened romantic relationship which included a relocation from Florida to New Jersey

1st year of collaboration with the amazing band Gyspy Funk Squad - 5 shows to date

5th Annual CSA Songwriters Retreat with Bill and Kay Pere, and my music partner, Josh kobel

My first time appearing at a major music conference as a panelist and mentor after 10 years

My 2nd trip to Las Vegas for may Fire / The Vegas Vortex Alchemical Fire Event

My 3rd Starwood Festival; 2nd year as a teacher, and 1st year as a performer

My 5th, and sadly final, MayFire Farm Lammas Celebration Bread Bake (this was the last year)

5 appearances with Pagan Rock Band, Spirit Stone, who unfortunately disbanded in late 2019

My (and everyones) 1st TriFire Alchemical Fire Event - the first annual EVER

My 5th Annual Donations For Daddy event at the Boston Hard Rock Cafe with Veronica Kole

2nd Annual Camp R.O.B.I.N. Summer Camp Drum Program / this year Erich Terry joined me

My 4th year working as a group facilitator for CSPNJ / This year Ana Nephilim joined me

1st Annual Hip Gypsy Karma Fest Event as well as 1st JugBand Endless Summer Festival

My first year of artistic collaboration with my partner, the beautiful, Anadonis Nephilim

5th year of collaboration with percussionist, craftsmen, and blood brother Erich “Oberik” Terry

My first year NOT being a part of the Hands of Change Coven after 7 years (I am on sabbatical)

My first year NOT celebrating with my tribe at (the now disgraced) 4 Quarters Farm after 5 years

My 2nd Annual visit to Temple Of S.O.P.H.I.A for Yue with Goddess Sister Tiana Mirapae

5th year as a sound healer / drum facilitator / yoga and reiki certified wellness provider

5th anniversary of Moon Magick & manifestation Journaling Program and book

62 completed sound recordings between my solo endeavors and collaborations

7th Annual Rock 2 Adopt Event at the Popcorn Park Petting Zoo in New Jersey

My first year working with a therapist to deal with my long term anxiety disorder

Was granted a New Jersey Medicinal Marijuana Card for the first time

100 Blogs written in my first year as a blogger

At long last a collaborative partnership with Kiryoku Training Center was established

“Moving Forward” Album Project began with Mark Carangelo - keep an eye out in 2020

Lastly, there was 1 huge life altering event that I am not yet ready to discuss with the public..

WHAT . A . YEAR . IT . HAS . BEEN .

No kidding, this year was a whirlwind of events, emotions, blessings and tragedies. To wrap one's mind around all of the happenings of 365 days it can be kind of daunting.. It’s like “woah”.. “What the hell happened since this exact time last year?..” It can leave your head spinning.

So many faces, so many places, so many memories,... but this is how it goes. Life. It happens.

I want to take an opportunity to reflect on the most poignant impressions of the year with a little more depth than the list above offers. Some things are calling for more than a mere mention.

This New Years blog entry is to serve as an annual mile marker, and one that I intend to revisit each year moving forward as a way to archive and encapsulate all the colors of a year in my life.

Wounded Spirits, And A Phoenix Emerging…

For all the gains there were also a lot of losses. The disbanding of my 4 Quarters Tribe was devastating. I’m still processing that - all of the circumstances around the scattering of the tribe were unfortunate, and sadly the result of a tyrant who cared less about community then placating his own ego and desire to “be in control” in a very toxic manner. I’m writing more at length on this than some other topics because this was a major upset in my and about 500 other people's lives. Our community was shattered, and we were forced to disperse, which has really been a painful thing to deal with. Many of us are reassembling now, with 2019 being the first year “after the storm”, but the impact of the change was truly unsettling, and as a result, I dearly miss many of my friends, most of whom live very far away. 4 Quarters Farm was the central meeting point for many people, and now that it is an undesirable location, I do not know when I will see many of my beloved again.. There are a lot of miles between us all,..

2019 also marked the first year after 7 where I was not with my coven, Hands Of Change. There were and are a lot of differences that I have not yet been able to reconcile enough to compel me to find my way back as a member; at least not yet. I’m still sitting with the idea.

Another loss was sustained for me spiritually with my choice to skip Harvest Gathering Festival for the first time in 4 years. There was some community drama , and questionable ethics being displayed by staff, so I thought it best to create some space. Missing this event was a big deal for me, as I was a consistent and popular figure at this event as a performer, teacher, healer, bard, and community advocate. It was heartbreaking to step back, and I still don’t know if I will consider attendance in 2020. Part of me really longs for my New England Pagan Tribe, but when things start getting sketchy, one has to gauge the energetic, spiritual, and fiscal expenses.

One last major change in my spiritual community was that this year marked the last annual bread bake for the Pagan Harvest Festival, Lammas, which has been hosted by community elders David, Bonnie, and Dar Donaghue for nearly 30 years. I attended 5 consecutive years of these events and it really became part of my yearly “musts”, as far as events. It leaves me at a bit of a loss when I wonder what I will do the first Sunday of August this coming year. I’m bummed, but grateful to have gotten 5 years with that part of the community and tribe family.

So Much Separation; It’s As If That Was The Decided Theme For This Year.

I Miss My People Dearly, BUT I Am Immensely GRATEFUL For Those Still In My Orbit

Conversely, this year DID also bring about wondrous reunions. My beloved, Ana, and I made the trek out to The Valley Of Fire for the Mayfire Alchemical Fire, my second time, her first, but there was a year between visits. This trip was deeply influential and transformative for me. I got to spend a ton of time around some of the most amazing people - to name a few; Jonathan Of Avalon, a collaborator of mine on the project RISE, world famous magician and alchemist, Jeff McBride and his equally magickal, belly-dancing / chanting wife, Abbi Spinner; Horror Film aficionado, Scott Bradley, and the one and only BONEFISH. I’ll make the journey again in 2020.

And then there was StarWood… the premier Pagan Festival celebrating its 40th year in 2020. Starwood has been the most potent extended length experience that I have known. This was my 3rd consecutive year, with 2019 actually also doubling as my 1st Year Anniversary with Ana, whom I had met at Starwood a year prior. This year I taught 6 classes, and was awarded a full stage performance slot the night of the Effigy Burning. This festival fills my entire being with love, energy, magick, and fellowship like nothing else. I am booked to appear again this year as a performer and teacher, and I am already excited to be back there with my tribe. This event really is a homecoming for me, especially with the void that was created from the fall of 4 Quarters. Starwood has been instrumental in the healing process spiritually for many of us.

Music, The Great Healer..

Music played a huge part in my life this year - not that it doesn’t always do that anyway - but this year I found myself far more active with other bands. Gypsy Funk Squad (Middle Eastern Fusion) and Spirit Stone (Pagan Rock), as well as stints with many others peppered my calendar throughout the entire year and really brought me back into the fold of being active on stage again. This year was actually the first year in many that I took out my electric guitar and stepped back into my role as a lead guitarist on stage. That was a big deal for me.

My own musical endeavors were vast, with massive moves made on the Clark & Kobel Music catalog, coupled with many studio and film achievements for my solo endeavors.

My musical relationships remained deep this year, though the recording process did slow after an intense and firey 3 years of constant work. We completed most of what we had been developing, and now the focus has been on film to accompany the music. The output of new creations has been idling, but for good cause; it’s just been weird to not be recording 3 days a week every week (for 3 or 4 years),.. I imagine this is what it feels like to wrap up a TV series.

A very satisfying accomplishment for me this year was earning a spot as a panelist and mentor at the longstanding and prestigious music industry event, The Millennium Music Conference. It was an incredible honor to be part of the teaching staff, and it really gave me a sense of belonging after nearly a decade of attending and supporting the event as only a performer.

As far as the film project for The Clark & Kobel Tarot, we had an incredible year. We completed 11 out of 22 segments of the film, and the portions that have been edited are AMAZING. I honestly couldn’t be happier; 2020 is expected to bring conclusion to this phase of the project, and so I am looking forward to that with excitement. I have loved this project, but I am ready to advance to the next stage now, and I am hoping to see filming wrap by May. From there we will be putting together the final cut of the film, and then the real fun begins, as we will be aiming to release music for the first time since we started nearly 4 years ago; and 7 years since I personally released original music. This has been a long time in the works, and I am thrilled.

The videos we filmed this year were:

“The Island” - (A collaboration with Ana Nephilim)

“The Devil’s Plan” (The Devil) - (A collaboration with JCMW Webmaster, Francine Braese;

Singer Josh Kobel, and Artist, Richard Biggs)

“SunChild” (The Sun) - (A collaboration with many of my pre-teen music proteges)

“Things Are Not Always What They Seem” (The Moon) - (A collaboration with Model, Social Media Guru, and Yogini, Melissa Moon)

“Barbarian Steel Drums Commercial” (Collaboration with Erich Terry / Oberik Kreations)

“The Star” (A collaboration with Dave GIll of Spirit Stone, and Das Brave)

“This Is Love” (The Lovers) - (This was an actual wedding that we filmed!!)

“A Sudden Change” (The Tower) - (A collaboration with Renaissance Faire Crafter and US Veteran, Wilberto Marerro, Dancer, Ana Nephilim, and US Veteran, Nick Ferguson)

“Mamma Muerte” (Death) - (A collaboration with the band “The Sunset Kings”)

Come Unto Me (The Hierophant) - (A collaboration with Vortex Healer, Simon Deacon)

“Temperentia” (Temperance) - (A collaboration with Business Owner Joy Yana, Model, Connor Ainley, and Artist, Eon Morningstar)

***Super Special Shout Out and THANKS to my amazing film crew***

Frank DiGiovanni, Joey Papa, and Nick Venuti - You Guys Are The BEST.

Love And Loss

2019 was an incredibly challenging year for me romantically. Practicing Polyamory for nearly 5 years had me involved in 3 steady relationships, one of nearly 5 years, one of nearly 2, and the newest one currently being at 1.5 years. There was a true and heartfelt effort made this year to preserve and enhance these relationships,.. But alas, they fell as casualties of changing times. There’s not much I can say regarding the details other than it is still something I am processing. There was a lot of pain in the lost connections, and I don’t really know what the future holds with these people as friends,.. But regardless, I miss their company and presence. Though not all is melancholie. I do currently have a very deep connection with my current partner, Ana (aka Whitney), and we are working hard as partners, as collaborators, as friends, and as individuals. My connection to her has been otherworldly, and what one could call challenging, but well worth the effort. There is a lot of happiness in the union, with plans for the future holding intentions for growth, prosperity, and creativity. Our collaborations are expanding.

Poly is not easy, don’t be fooled by the glam of it all. It’s not a walk in the park, and when there are losses and gains, they have a lot of impact. This year offered a lot of lessons, a lot of love, a lot of heartache, and a lot of perspective. Though there was pain, I am grateful for the good times that existed, truly, and I still send love to all that were involved in the circumstances.

Personal Revelations

A lot of self study occurred for me this year. I had several somewhat radical realizations, and learning how to essentially reprogram myself has been quite a feat. I dug into my past with more determination to identify and begin healing the sources of trauma from both this lifetime, and that of my ancestors that has carried down to me through generations of lineage and DNA. I learned this year that I had and have been coping with personal issues via practices of “Toxic positivity”, which is a survival mechanism that shoves all the pain, and fear, and anger, and ugly wayyyyyy down deep and covers up the stench of the unprocessed hurt with the scent of Febreze and denial. Until this year I had no idea this was even a thing, let alone a thing I was doing. To have such a realization is sobering to say the least, though ultimately, helpful.

This year was also the first where I accepted and embraced the fact that I have severe anxiety disorder. A year ago I would have said you are crazy,.. I don’t have anxiety,.. But guess what?.. I sure as shit do, and now, I am beginning to heal it. You can’t heal something that you are unaware of, and becoming aware of this condition has been a blessing; the anxiety is a shitty curse,.. But at least I can see it’s face now, and have the tools to combat it. My anxiety disorder directly led to my being approved for a New Jersey Medicinal Marijuana , and THAT has been a game changer in me in a million ways. I have written blogs to be released in 2020 on that subject, so I won’t share too much about that here, but YES, getting a card was a really big deal, and it opened up a lot of buried vaults of repressed feelings and experiences as I had to see a psychologist to obtain my card approval. These meetings resulted in the creation of a 4 page trauma timeline, which though was a VERY vulnerable thing to do, has proved to be a powerful key to my healing. I had to really dig to find the roots of my trauma, and I’m still digging even now. I probably will be for years to come, but at least now I am living with awareness, and that is a game changer. The opposite of awareness is ignorance. No more.

I’ve Been Everywhere, Man…

2019 was probably one of the most travel-by-airplane years I’ve had in a long time. I flew to Florida twice after having not been that far south since 2003, and I flew to Nevada for Vegas Vortex, which was also an enjoyable experience. I really like to fly, actually. It’s exciting.

I also made many journeies by car, finding myself in North Carolina multiple times, at Renaissance Faires in several states, as well as excursions to Massachusettes, New York City, Philadelphia, Maryland, Delaware, Connecticut and various locations in my homeland, Jerzzzey.

I spent a lot of 2019 shuttling back and forth to Pennsylvania a lot, because that is where many of my collaborations were taking place, and additionally a (now former) partner lived out there, so I was a frequent visitor. I traveled pretty heavily through last year's Winter, Spring, and Summer, but from this past Autumn up till now, I ‘ve been keeping things in my life more local as I settle into several new paradigms. I’ve been traveling HEAVY for the last five years, and so it’s been interesting having less adventures, which is very much tied to the falling out within my spiritual community, and failed relationships. Since this was the first year I wasn’t making the pilgrimage to the events, I ended up spending significantly more time in my home region. It had been a long time since I was around to see fireworks on the 4th Of July, but this year since I wasn’t on the road, I went and enjoyed the show, and it was very satisfying. Very low key.

I do have the urge to increase my travel plans in 2020, and I am already laying the groundwork to do so. If I idle for too long, I start to get restless and it affects my creativity, so though the last year was more on the mellow side, I fully intend to rev up my excursions and branch out to some new events, meet some new communities, and engage in some fresh collaborations. The time to reflect has been worthwhile, but I am a wanderer by nature, and it’s getting to be time for me to expand again. Experiences out in the world are my greatest source of inspiration.

So Much To Say, So Much To Say, So Much..

As I sit here and write what is likely the longest entry of the year, I am sifting through memories, revisiting a lot of feelings, reliving many experiences, and making sense of the last 12 months. It was truly a tremendous year in so many regards, and now as it comes to a close, I feel a sense of peace that I can close the chapter on this year and walk with grace into the new decade. A ritual that I have on New Year's Day each year is that I file away my engagement book and completed journals. They get added to the archive chest (literally), along with 10 years of previous datebooks, and 20 handwritten leather bound journals. Each year I like to get photos of how my magick journal circle expands. I can measure my time on earth by how many books there are in my circle,.. I like that. It’s an interesting way to check in on my life and legacy.

Anyway,.. It’s About That Time..

There is always so much to say, but I feel satisfied with what I have shared here with you all.

The length of this entry is reflective of my experiences with all the people in my life - some of you reading this very well may be a HUGE part of this year in review. If you are, THANK YOU.

To anyone that actually read ALL the way down to this point, thanks for bearing with me and listening to my story. My blog entries are usually informative and educational for the most part, but this is the one blog a year that I will likely just share, share, share. So much to say...

These entries will eventually serve as part of my legacy collection, where I maintain an active archive of my time here on Earth, living my life as a creator, and sharing about the people I love.

Before I wrap up, I just want to express a heartfelt THANK YOU once again.

Thank you to my friends, my family (blood or not), my tribe, my collaborators,

my partners and ex-partners, my team members, my clients and students, my community leaders, my mentors, my familiars, my healers, And EVERYBODY in my life

!!! PEACE, LOVE, HEALTH, WEALTH, AND HAPPINESS TO YOU ALL !!!

Yours Truly,

J.C.