How Finding Band Members Is Like Dating

Finding band members is much like dating. You somehow meet, you arrange a time and place to get acquainted, you share common interests, and then if it goes well, you make more plans.

It’s a dance, and if it’s a good dance, it can turn into a long term thing.

Ideally, a band (or collaborations) evolve, grow, go through changes and shifts, and hopefully they don’t just survive, they thrive.

Let’s talk about how to make solid selections in such artistic partnerships:

“Where can I go to meet people..?”

Meeting other musicians, artists, and creators can be easy if you know what you are looking for and where to find it. That doesn’t mean that chance encounters don’t happen, but there is a bit a strategy to it generally speaking. First, it’s important to know what you are looking for: are you looking for people into folk music, or perhaps death metal, or maybe even jazz..? Determine that, and then secondly; consider where you can then find these kind of folks. Know the locations. If you are looking for a death metal drummer, then you may be less likely to find such a person in a jazz club, and likewise. Of course crossovers happen and many players are style versatile, but establishing a somewhat more obvious baseline is a good starting point. If you aren’t at a point where you are familiar with style specific clubs, or if you aren’t that deep into the music venue scene, then try hanging out at hubs like music shops, or more large scale concert events. And much like it is with dating, there is always the online option via chatrooms, meetup sites, and social media pages. The nice thing about online is that often people have profiles posted so you can get an idea of what you are walking into. In-person specific meetings don’t often come with that feature.

“I like you, wanna go out sometime?”

Once you have gone out and found some places to meet like-minded people then the process of socialization begins. Make it a point to talk to people. If you are shy, then you can do the people-watching approach, and perhaps someone more extroverted will approach you, and so you can be somewhat prepared for that by dressing for the kind of connection you desire. If your favorite music influence is Guns N Roses, then wear that GnR shirt you love, and someone may compliment you on it or start up a talk with you about how “November Rain” has the all-time best guitar solo in it. If you aren’t so shy, then be the one to do the approaching. Look around the room and try to lock in on details that appeal to you. If and when you make a connection, hang out a bit, and if it feels right, try to offer or ask about a contact info exchange. From there you can try to make plans to meet up again and see what else there is to the interaction.

“I like sunsets, long walks on the beach, burritos, and books about history, how about you?”

Finding common ground is important when an interaction begins to develop. Ask questions, and share experiences, expectations, desires, and goals. This is CRUCIAL, because much like with dating, there will be certain needs that ought to be stated upfront, boundaries that will need to be understood and respected, and values that would be best if in alignment. If someone is NOT seeking a long term arrangement, then perhaps the relationship won’t work out if that’s what the other desires, or if one person is looking for a big “family” (band), and the other is really wanting a duo, it may not work out. It all depends. What do you want?... Know this, and you will have a better experience in the end. No one wants to waste time trying to pursue or develop something that is not the right fit. Where is the common ground..? Be realistic about your needs and desires.

“Wanna do this again sometime?”

If the interaction goes well, then do it again, and each time get a little more into the dance. Start deepening the connection by increasing time spent together, engaging in collaborative activities, perhaps eventually start making some plans, and little by little establish commitments. Being in a band is a commitment, more so than dating really, because dating doesn’t have to incur expenses, and it doesn’t have to be something as professionally interactive; writing, performing, and potentially recording and touring is more involved than getting an occasional cup of coffee. Being in a serious band IS eventually more of a marriage A jam buddy is more like the casual dating of the music world, but still fun, inspiring, and creative. It just depends on what you want. Things have a tendency to take a natural course, and that course becomes progressively more or less involved, so approaching endeavors like this takes some self awareness and time. Get to know the people you may find yourself financially, creatively, legally, and artisitcally entwined with. As it is with ALL interactions and “relationships”, communication is the key. If band members can’t communicate then it won’t work any better than a marriage or dating situation. The same basic problems will arise; muddied understandings, dramatic chaos, unmet needs, all the stuff that creates friction and separation between people.

The Relationship Ladder

The relationship ladder is essentially a series of steps that are somewhat traditionally followed.

You meet. You date. You get engaged, get married, move in together, and maybe have kids (in no set order, at least not by modern day standards), and all of these steps can sometimes follow suite.

With a band; You meet. You jam, and then you record, tour, sign agreements, and yes, maybe even move in (band house!).

The parallels are pretty obvious. And that’s because it all comes down to evolving as a unit, whether that unit has 2 people or 20. There is a natural order to how things happen, and that’s ok. As long as all the cards are laid out and everyone knows what the deal is. If harmony can be achieved then you will likely be a band like Green Day, who essentially have had nearly a 30 year marriage, with ALL original members still on board, thriving, and happy, or conversely, you could end up like The Temptations, who literally have only 1 original member carrying on the legacy with the baggage of a lot of bad blood. It all depends how the relationships are built, managed, and nurtured.

(And so they rode off into the sunset… or they fell off a cliff..)

I hope this blog gave you some insight into what it takes to find and keep musical partners. Perhaps some of this information and the concepts that accompany it will not only help you in your musical career, but also in your own other personal interactions. At the end of the day, a lot of the elements and aspects are pretty similar between the two worlds, and so there is a commonality to be noted.

Good luck out there, and remember there are plenty of fish in the sea, some will be a good fit, and others may not be so good, but if you enter into such agreements with an open line of communication, you may just find what you have been looking for.

Till next time,

Be well.